KK Persuasion 4: The Other’s Perspective

As we continue to unpack Kevin Kelly’s book, Excellent Advice for Living: Wisdom I Wish I’d Known Earlier, this talk moves on to relationships. Last time we talked about being genuine and proactive, and how you should be an adult. Let’s take it a step further in this talk, and say that not only should you be the adult, but you should be the main character in the room.

Not the kind of lead that gets highlighted all the time, but the kind of lead that, if the situation is bad, can you take the lead and make it better.

There is a core skill here, a skill that is not instinctive and requires a certain amount of experience, and that is to think from the other person’s point of view.

Kelly’s exact words are:“Your golden ticket is to be able to see things from another person’s perspective. This perspective shift allows you to genuinely empathize with others. It also allows you to persuade others, and it is the key to great design. Mastering the perspective of seeing the world through the eyes of others will open many doors for you.”

Our column has said something similar many times, but when you think about it more, it’s almost a superpower. Faced with an argument, many people are instinctive, can not think of anything, and afterwards hate themselves for cursing did not play well; some people can slightly out of the situation, consider their own image, as if the coach on the side of the urge to pay attention to their language, do not lose face.

Only a very few people can consider what the other person is thinking in that situation, what the other person needs, and what they can do to make it better for the other person. If you can turn on this ability, you will be invincible.

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Let’s start with the simple ones. One of the most basic realizations is that what everyone values most is actually themselves. So if you want someone to value you, the best way to do that is to make them think you value them. Kelly says:“The more interested you are in others, the more interesting they will find you. To be interesting, you have to be interested in others.”

You’ve had this experience, haven’t you? The easiest way to make a person find it interesting to talk to you is to make them the topic of conversation. The least interesting way to make a conversation interesting is for you to drone on and on about your own minutiae.

I’ve heard of the classic famous scene where two young women, who may claim to be best girlfriends, appear to be chatting very intimately - but then you listen closely and realize that both of them are actually talking about their own business and don’t give a damn about what the other one is saying …… Then You can probably guess that these two are not really that close and neither is highly educated.

Showing that you care about the other person is one of the easiest ways to make a high profile. A particularly effective way to do this is to memorize the other person’s name. Kelly says:“Let someone know you remember their name and they will never forget yours. To help remember their name, repeat it the first time you hear it.”

It’s as if you were to meet me in life and say to me gee I’ve read your posts! Then I must be flattered. If you can also say one of my points, then you are my confidant. That’s how people want to be valued. Kelly says, “Make others feel like they matter; it will make their day, and it will make yours.”

This is actually a necessary gentlemanly gesture if you can apply it skillfully. Always give attention. Sincere attention. You feel good about yourself as well. If you are in a social environment where there are a lot of people who are not usually valued, this habit will make you very popular.

And the highest importance is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Kelly says:“Speak confidently as if you were right, but listen carefully as if you were wrong.”

Earlier in our column we talked about the skill of Mother Teresa, Saddam and Zhu Qizhen to quickly turn a stranger into one of their own, and the key for them was the trick of listening well to people. Kelly also said:“Even if you say nothing, if you listen carefully, people will think you’re a good conversationalist.”
Even better than listening is actually understanding what the other person is saying. If you’re having an argument or negotiating with someone, you have to understand them and make sure they know you understand them. Kelly says:**”Your perspective on controversial issues gains strength when you can argue for their position as well as your opponent.”****

Kelly also said:“The best way to get consent in a negotiation is to really understand what “consent” means to the other party.”

On the other hand, if you show that you don’t value, or even despise, someone, it’s absolutely irreparable. As our column has said before, the most important indicator of whether a couple is likely to divorce is whether they have contempt for each other. Kelly knows this, and his advice is:“When you make people wait for you, they start thinking about all your faults.”

That’s what being late does to you the most damage.

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Now let’s take it one step further, from attention to imitation. There’s an English proverb that says “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”, and imitation can subconsciously convince the other person that you’re one of them. Kelly’s advice is**”To reduce tension in an argument, mimic the other person’s body language.”**
He said in an interview that he often uses this trick on his wife. The point of this is that everyone likes someone who looks like them. One of Kelly’s life hacks is:**”When you’re hitchhiking, look like the person you’re hoping to hitchhike with.”****Then obviously, when applying for a job, you should act like you’re from that company.

Another tip for couples is, “Ban the word “you” from family arguments.”**

Why? Because saying “you” reminds the other person that we are two different people, and that identity is bound to exacerbate conflict. Another one of Kelly’s life lessons is:“For the sake of marital happiness, it’s always right to take turns letting one partner take the other.”
Kelly is also very knowledgeable about choosing a partner, he said:“Your ideal partner is not someone who never disagrees with you, but someone who is happy to disagree with you even when you disagree with them”.

I think this one is also appropriate for friends and coworkers.

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If you’ve been able to take control of your relationships in general, then you’re ready to be a manager or a mentor. It’s not that you should be “managing” people, but rather “nurturing” people and helping them grow. Kelly said:“Develop 12 people who love you, because they are worth more than 12 million people who love you.”
And the approach to nurturing is still from the other person’s perspective. Kelly says:“If you don’t care about your people, they won’t care about your mission.”But that care isn’t just caring, it’s inspiring, Kelly says:“The best way to mentor young people is to find out what they really want to do and then mentor them to do it.”

This is the same thing as what we said earlier, “Growth is becoming yourself”. You have to become yourself, and you have to help young people become themselves. So nurturing is never about indoctrination, it’s not about turning everyone into a certain type of person, it’s about enabling everyone to develop their own characteristics and talents.

In fact often they just need a little encouragement. Kelly says:“You can really change someone’s life just by words of encouragement.”
You may need to train them with specialized knowledge, but the main job is to unlock potential, to inspire and illuminate. In particular, please note that training people is not about creating a group of minions for yourself, it is not about turning people into tools. Kelly says:“When you lead, your real job is to create more leaders, not more followers.”

Some of you may think that such leaders are also too few, and that it is common in life to use your own men to death, as if not to oppress them would be tantamount to a loss. But you should think of it this way: are the 12 people you want to carefully train 12 lackeys? Modern society is an open system, no one can monopolize knowledge and resources, you can not let people grow, why do they follow you? You want to train out of the 12 people are 12 can be a hero hero, you want your team of heroes.

Let’s think about the relationship between professors and graduate students in a normal university, and the relationship between bulls and rookies in the high-tech industry, is not this kind of healthy cultivation relationship. If you can see beyond your own small circle, and know that everyone belongs to the same big circle, you will not be so petty.

Don’t think about what “teaching students starve master” and other small calculations, and don’t with some comedy groups always feel that students go out to make their own way is a betrayal of their own. Kelly said:“It’s a shame when people you’ve trained well leave, of course; but it’s even worse when you don’t train them and they stay”.

You need to have that kind of mindset, and you’ll be ready for bigger challenges.

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You’re a sincere person, you’re generous, you’re always grateful, you’re unstintingly nurturing, you’ve tried to think of others from their point of view, you’ve asked yourself to be strict and generous …… But there are always some people in the world who, you feel, don’t deserve your goodwill.

Then you don’t have to be a saint, the simplest strategy is to ignore them. Kelly says:“When someone is mean, hateful, or mean to you, view their behavior as if they are sick. This makes it easier to empathize with them, which eases the conflict.”
The sympathy here is not for you to heal them, but to make it easier for yourself to emotionally withdraw from it. Of course a better way is to try to understand them. Kelly says:“You can reduce your annoyance at certain people for having such stupid beliefs by increasing your understanding of why they have them.”

If you understand them, maybe you can try to help them. Kelly says:“Curiosity about another person’s point of view is the most powerful way to change their perspective.”
But maybe you should also reflect on why you invite such people and things. Kelly says,“The best response to verbal abuse is “You’re probably right.” And they are often right.”

Remember this usage: ‘You may be right’. It’s the absolute high road, and it calms the other person down immediately.

Kelly also says:“If you encounter an asshole, just ignore it. If you encounter assholes everywhere, every day, take a deeper look at yourself.”
In addition to ignoring, another principle is to try not to get angry. Kelly says:**”The appropriate response to anger is not rage. When you see someone angry, you are actually seeing them in pain. The appropriate response to anger should be compassion.”**By sympathizing with others, you also spare yourself.

What you are angry about pulls you down to whatever level you are at. Kelly says:“Your greatness is equal to the size of what makes you angry.”

Kelly also says,“Being extremely polite to rude strangers is an exhilarating experience.”And,“Calmness is contagious. Stay calm to help others.”
These are mindful ways to take control of a situation in the face of a bad person. But please note that ignoring such people does not mean that one should look down on such people. A high profile is still treating people as equals and treating them well. Here’s a quote from Kelly that’s worth posting on a wall in a public place:“Don’t treat people as bad as how bad they are. Treat them as well as you would like to be treated.”

Let your virtue, not theirs, dominate this encounter.

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The ceiling of achievement is heart, heart comes from vision, and vision is developed by first learning to think from the perspective of others. These words from Kelly may give you a taste of the contemporary tech bigwig’s mind.

There are a lot of civil human relations experts, all day to give you this reason that reason, you take a closer look at either the thick black science, or chicken thief small family. Some of the best people say you whole these I do not understand the game, I do not play with you, I simply go to Silicon Valley forget ……

People say that the United States “interpersonal relationships are simple”, in fact, the United States also has a variety of levels of people, some relationships are more unreasonable - and you say that kind of “simple”, is precisely the highest level.

When a professor selflessly trains a student, even one from a foreign country, it’s not because he’s stupid, it’s because he knows it’s worth it. When an adult can remain polite in the face of intense humiliation, it’s not that he lacks social experience, it’s that he’s not at that level.

Huang Bo is right in his observation that at a certain level you are surrounded by good people. If you’re surrounded by organizations like Putian Hospital, you might think that what Kelly is saying doesn’t add up; but the fact that people really do think that way, and that there are a lot of people in the world who do just that, is the most thrilling thing.

Annotation.

[1] Internal Control, External Influence 7: Love, Need to Learn

Highlight

The ceiling of achievement is the mind, the mind comes from vision, and the development of vision begins with learning to think from the perspective of others.
“Mastering the perspective of seeing the world through the eyes of others will open many doors for you.”

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